Title: From Afar
Author: Qzeebrella
Archive: anyone who wants it, just let me know where it ends up
Fandom: Star Trek DS9
Disclaimer: Neither the show nor the characters are mine, though the story below is, no profit being made
Pairing: Garak/Bashir
Category: slash
Rating: G
Status: complete
Summary: While contemplating on the one he loves, he decides to act on the saying; "If you love something, set it free."
Author's note: set in season 4
Feedback: on list or to qzeebrella@yahoo.com

From Afar

I've watched you since the day I first saw you. At first you were so alone, so cut off from everyone, barely tolerated by the command staff. Only sought out for your talent and skill.

I watched as others began to open up to you. Trust you; talk with you, watched as you flirted with those you talked to. Your eyes lit up with teasing, one hand reaching to grasp a shoulder. Even when you were with me you seemed to flirt as we discussed literature, philosophy, politics, and life.

Everything you did you seemed to do with grace. The way you walked, the way your fingers danced as you performed intricate tasks, the way you spoke...everything you did seemed to be graceful, enchanting, and seductive. I would look into your glorious eyes and revel at the formidable intelligence, the quick wit, the teasing humor you would display as we talked. And I began to wonder.

I wondered if you could ever see me as desirable, if you could even see another man in that way. For I never, no matter how long or how often I watched, saw you express desire for another man not even through flirting.

It haunted me to be able to get so close to you that I could look into your eyes, touch your hand, smell your cologne, hear your voice and yet be so far from you at the same time. Separated from you, as I could not dare to express my desire, I could not allow myself to dare to hope. For what could you ever see in me?

What could there be to see in someone so plain and simple, someone with no power, and no true influence? Someone, who could offer no protection, no harbor of safety, and who could not offer to build a home with you as I never truly had a place I called home in my heart.

As far back as I can remember I have never been good enough, strong enough, smart enough or ambitious enough for the man who raised me. No matter how I tried, no matter what I accomplished it was never enough. I always tried so hard to live up to the expectations of the man I so desperately wanted to please, yet I never could measure up to what he expected of me. I finally failed to do one too many of the things he expected of me and was disowned by him. Discarded like so much rubbish, for I just wasn't good enough. I just could never, will never be good enough for him.

I will truly never be good enough for you either. You are so intelligent, handsome, have a wide range of interests, and you would appeal to many if you could but see it. I...I am no one.

I am barely tolerated most of the time. With many on the station feeling free to insult me, putting me down as often as possible or so it seems at times.

At these times, when I feel bereft and oh so empty, I find myself watching you. Wondering if you could see me as desirable, wondering if it would be possible for you to learn to love someone so full of faults, as I am. Someone with a hidden past that if fully revealed in the light of day would condemn me in the eyes of all here on DS9, perhaps even you.

As the man who raised me, tried his best to make me a worthy and honorable man said, "Trust no one." I am incapable, ever, of learning how to trust you and you deserve to be trusted. As I failed to become what I should have been, failed to achieve what I should have been capable of achieving due to the education and advantages I had, given all that I still failed. As I would fail you.

I watch you. Both from afar and during our lunches together, I watch you. You are so exotic, so alluring, so captivating. Your eyes so full of life and intelligence, I could get lost in your eyes. Skin such an appealing color, when I have dared to touch you it is so soft and warm, so inviting. Voice melodic, smooth, and precise. Hair so stylish, my fingers yearn to run through it. I long to tell you how much I admire you, how much I have come to love you.

But I can not.

For I am just not good enough for you.

Though I had watched you for years, I had never seen anyone who could love you, cherish you, and provide you with the welcoming home that you deserve. Someone who could trust you as I can not.

But lately I have seen you with a young lady who can give you all that I will never be able to give you. I can see by how she looks at you that she cherishes you, respects you and trusts you, as I could never learn to trust anyone. She can give you everything I can not. She is willing to take the risk of loving you, I am unwilling even to approach you tentatively. Yet you hold yourself back from her and spend time with me instead.

Though I cherish our friendship and treasure our time together I must push you away. I must separate form you, become unavailable to you so you will turn to her. You deserve someone loving, caring, unique, strong, and brave, as she is. Not a pathetic coward as I am. I will never amount to anything; I will never be good enough for you. She is.

She might even help you attain recognition and respect among your people. Something I know you long for. Something you deserve.

I have nothing worthy of someone as exotic, as unique as you are. Nothing to offer except love.

She has that and so much more. She can cherish you, adore you, trust you, and match you intellectually. I know she will take good care of you.

So I must push you away. So that you will begin to rely on her, turn to her, see that she is worthy of your friendship, your love, your uniqueness as I never will be.

I can only hope that in time I will be able to gain your forgiveness for pushing you away now. Attain your forgiveness for turning away from our friendship. I can only hope that we will once again be able to become friends. Though I know I do not truly deserve your friendship.

Until then...until such a time we can be friends again, I must push you away now.

Farewell my beloved. My heart, my treasure. Farewell my plain and simple tailor. I can only hope we will be friends again one day Elim.

Please let it be soon.

Farewell my friend, I hope you find love and happiness with Ziyal. For she is worthy of someone like you and I am not. I never will be. So fare thee well Garak. Goodbye.

The end



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