Title: From Afar
Archive: anyone who wants it, just let me know where it ends up
Fandom: Star Trek DS9
Disclaimer: Neither the show nor the characters are mine, though the
story below is, no profit being made
Summary: While contemplating on the one he loves, he decides to act
on the saying; "If you love something, set it free."
Author's note: set in season 4
Feedback: on list or to firstname.lastname@example.org
I've watched you since the day I first saw you. At first you were so
alone, so cut off from everyone, barely tolerated by the command
staff. Only sought out for your talent and skill.
I watched as others began to open up to you. Trust you; talk with
you, watched as you flirted with those you talked to. Your eyes lit
up with teasing, one hand reaching to grasp a shoulder. Even when you
were with me you seemed to flirt as we discussed literature,
philosophy, politics, and life.
Everything you did you seemed to do with grace. The way you walked,
the way your fingers danced as you performed intricate tasks, the way
you spoke...everything you did seemed to be graceful, enchanting, and
seductive. I would look into your glorious eyes and revel at the
formidable intelligence, the quick wit, the teasing humor you would
display as we talked. And I began to wonder.
I wondered if you could ever see me as desirable, if you could even
see another man in that way. For I never, no matter how long or how
often I watched, saw you express desire for another man – not even
It haunted me to be able to get so close to you that I could look
into your eyes, touch your hand, smell your cologne, hear your voice
and yet be so far from you at the same time. Separated from you, as I
could not dare to express my desire, I could not allow myself to dare
to hope. For what could you ever see in me?
What could there be to see in someone so plain and simple, someone
with no power, and no true influence? Someone, who could offer no
protection, no harbor of safety, and who could not offer to build a
home with you as I never truly had a place I called home in my heart.
As far back as I can remember I have never been good enough, strong
enough, smart enough or ambitious enough for the man who raised me.
No matter how I tried, no matter what I accomplished it was never
enough. I always tried so hard to live up to the expectations of the
man I so desperately wanted to please, yet I never could measure up
to what he expected of me. I finally failed to do one too many of the
things he expected of me and was disowned by him. Discarded like so
much rubbish, for I just wasn't good enough. I just could never, will
never be good enough for him.
I will truly never be good enough for you either. You are so
intelligent, handsome, have a wide range of interests, and you would
appeal to many if you could but see it. I...I am no one.
I am barely tolerated most of the time. With many on the station
feeling free to insult me, putting me down as often as possible – or
so it seems at times.
At these times, when I feel bereft and oh so empty, I find myself
watching you. Wondering if you could see me as desirable, wondering
if it would be possible for you to learn to love someone so full of
faults, as I am. Someone with a hidden past that if fully revealed in
the light of day would condemn me in the eyes of all here on DS9,
perhaps even you.
As the man who raised me, tried his best to make me a worthy and
honorable man said, "Trust no one." I am incapable, ever, of learning
how to trust you and you deserve to be trusted. As I failed to become
what I should have been, failed to achieve what I should have been
capable of achieving due to the education and advantages I had, given
all that I still failed. As I would fail you.
I watch you. Both from afar and during our lunches together, I watch
you. You are so exotic, so alluring, so captivating. Your eyes so
full of life and intelligence, I could get lost in your eyes. Skin
such an appealing color, when I have dared to touch you it is so soft
and warm, so inviting. Voice melodic, smooth, and precise. Hair so
stylish, my fingers yearn to run through it. I long to tell you how
much I admire you, how much I have come to love you.
But I can not.
For I am just not good enough for you.
Though I had watched you for years, I had never seen anyone who could
love you, cherish you, and provide you with the welcoming home that
you deserve. Someone who could trust you as I can not.
But lately I have seen you with a young lady who can give you all
that I will never be able to give you. I can see by how she looks at
you that she cherishes you, respects you and trusts you, as I could
never learn to trust anyone. She can give you everything I can not.
She is willing to take the risk of loving you, I am unwilling even to
approach you tentatively. Yet you hold yourself back from her and
spend time with me instead.
Though I cherish our friendship and treasure our time together I must
push you away. I must separate form you, become unavailable to you so
you will turn to her. You deserve someone loving, caring, unique,
strong, and brave, as she is. Not a pathetic coward as I am. I will
never amount to anything; I will never be good enough for you. She is.
She might even help you attain recognition and respect among your
people. Something I know you long for. Something you deserve.
I have nothing worthy of someone as exotic, as unique as you are.
Nothing to offer except love.
She has that and so much more. She can cherish you, adore you, trust
you, and match you intellectually. I know she will take good care of
So I must push you away. So that you will begin to rely on her, turn
to her, see that she is worthy of your friendship, your love, your
uniqueness as I never will be.
I can only hope that in time I will be able to gain your forgiveness
for pushing you away now. Attain your forgiveness for turning away
from our friendship. I can only hope that we will once again be able
to become friends. Though I know I do not truly deserve your
Until then...until such a time we can be friends again, I must push
you away now.
Farewell my beloved. My heart, my treasure. Farewell my plain and
simple tailor. I can only hope we will be friends again one day Elim.
Please let it be soon.
Farewell my friend, I hope you find love and happiness with Ziyal.
For she is worthy of someone like you and I am not. I never will be.
So fare thee well Garak. Goodbye.